Thursday, 29 October 2015

When Love Stops Happening

Last month, a friend told me about her failing marriage. Ten years, two kids and just like that; it’s over.  They are no longer compatible, her husband says.

I've been trying to wrap my head round this since. Trying to understand this thing they call love.  What does it really mean? How does it happen and how does it stop happening? How does love go from I’ll love you always and forever to I’m sorry there’s someone else. I need to get this.  Is it something the other person does, or just time, or chance, or life?
There are a million books about how to find and keep the right man or woman but who offers advice on how to get over a heartbreak.  My friend said she felt worthless, like she was no longer a woman.  

How bad was she that he would walk out, not just on her but their children. She was sure it was  something she’d done.  So she begged him, promised to change, to be exactly as she wanted her to be, anything at all to stop him from leaving.  But the same way you feel you can’t live without someone when you first fall in love, is probably the same way you want desperately to live without them when you’re out of love.

My friend’s husband has always been responsible and hasn't changed. He’s promised to keep paying their rent, school fees and more but what she wants the most, she’s lost to another woman.  He’d always been a faithful husband, if he ever cheated , he was very discreet . She had absolutely no cause to be suspicious till three months ago when he dropped the bombshell. He was leaving her and yes, there was someone else.

My friend is very beautiful and very good natured, she wouldn't last too long if she put herself back on the shelf but this has completely shaken her throwing her into depression. She’s forcing herself to be strong for the kids.  The last thing on her mind is another man.  I’m not sure I can be with anyone else, she says. 

‘I never stopped trying, never. I wasn't a bad wife Uduak or was I?’ I tell her she wasn't. She was someone I envied. She cooked, she cleaned, she kept her shape.  The tendency is often to blame oneself when a partner walks away but shouldn't the primary blame go to the one who couldn't keep promises?

When someone says I love you, what does it really mean? Is it just for the moment? A gamble? Is there a way to make someone stay in love with you forever? Or is forever just an illusion?


  1. I entered into 2015 with a girlfriend. Like i am/was so much in love with this girl. She made me feel like the best thing that ever happened to her. We started dating from 8th Feb, 2013. She used words like "i love you forever and always and a day more" "i will always love you". You are the one. She even used to call me "ake mmi". I adored her and literally worshipped her. I trusted her with my life. Am a guy that wears my heart on my sleeves. And i let her and the whole world know that i was so much in love with her. I had my flaws. She had hers. But i never did leave her or contemplate leaving even. She was my life. My happy place. My happily ever after. I couldnt even imagine spending the rest of my life with another. We talked about many things. Shared many memories. We even planned our futuristic wedding. We had names for our future kids. We were the envy of our friends. Our relationship was their goals. Then suddenly, it went sour. I never cheated on her or treat her bad. I swear. She just stopped loving me. Treated me like i dont exist. Its almost 10 months now. She is with another man. I cant move on from her. I think about her everyday and night. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I think about all the promises we made eachother. And how she acts now like i dont exist. Its painful. It really is. Eyen eka, forever and always is an illusion. Atleast i think so. Or maybe am just not lucky with love.

  2. This 'thing' called LOVE? Maybe when we get to heaven we would get a better definition, because right now, I don't understand it.